I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
