Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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