one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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