Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
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He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
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Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(