I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So apparently I’m into choking now
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