Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
