don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
