when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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