he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
