I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
