Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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