I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
