I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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