Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Semen is not good for contacts.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
