we have pet lesbian snakes
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
