I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
