mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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