Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
