Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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