Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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