anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
