Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
