Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
