Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm too high and old for this...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
