That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
