No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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