ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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