getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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