Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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