if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
