The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
