Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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