just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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