My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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