I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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