I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
its liver damage thursday
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
