when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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