dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
