Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
