I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
