All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
How does one acquire holy water?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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