Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
