yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
