You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
