if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
