I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he just fucked me for my cheese.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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