Don't make out with my wife yet
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
