forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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