When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
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I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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