Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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