as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
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Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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