She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
