Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Couch. On fire.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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