I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
