I wish I could punch you in the face.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
