i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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