I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
