Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
