just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
