apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
