oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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