I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
