true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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