Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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